“Why Don’t We Want the Same Things?”
It’s one of the most common concerns couples bring into therapy: “We’re just not on the same page when it comes to sex.” One person may want more, the other less. One may crave physical closeness to feel emotionally connected, while the other needs to feel emotionally connected before even thinking about
sex.
Maya and Jordan, married for eight years, came into therapy saying, “It feels like we’re in two different relationships.” Maya wanted more physical intimacy, while
Jordan had been feeling overwhelmed and “not in the mood” for months.
The issue wasn’t that something was wrong with either of them—it was that they hadn’t learned how to talk about desire, or what it meant for each of them.
What Causes Mismatched Desire?
Desire discrepancies can happen for many reasons:
- Different stress levels, health issues, or sleep patterns
- Emotional disconnection or unspoken resentment
- Cultural or religious beliefs about sex
- Changing needs over time
Sex therapy helps couples explore these issues without blame or shame. It’s not about “fixing” one person—it’s about understanding both people’s experiences.
Learning to Reconnect
In therapy, Maya and Jordan practiced a new way of talking about intimacy—not just when they were in conflict, but when they were feeling safe. Over time, they learned how to initiate differently, how to say yes or no without fear, and how to find new ways of connecting physically and emotionally.
Desire doesn’t have to match perfectly. But with understanding and communication, couples can create a satisfying rhythm together.